A Spiral of Shame

"The line between persistence and obsession must be fine because I didn't even see it when I crossed it."

If confession is good for the soul, I am counting on it being good for my waistline. I thought I could contain it - pass it off - pull the proverbial wool over your eyes. But no.

I am in a shame spiral.

It started Saturday. It was innocent really - all sins mortal begin with just a toe in the water of deception. I had friends over for dinner. An act of hospitality. I planned for it - I ate very lightly during the day. The menu, while not exactly spartan was healthy-ish. For pre-dinner munchies there was freshly blanched asparagus and crispy strips of red pepper with a heart-healthy herby olive oil for dipping. Hmmm...I can stick to the crudites.

But then there was the baked brie with walnuts, honey, and dried cranberries. Just a nibble. Entree - spaghetti with Brooklyn Red Clam Sauce - not too bad in small portions (for the recipe see our April 2007 newsletter at www.wecarepeople.org). I did pretty well. Congratulations. Tomorrow will be easy to just return to the disciplined ways of the Lima Losers.

Then Sunday came - and it all went to - well you know where it went. I am not a person who does things halfway. The quote at the top of this post is my original work and is basically my life motto. What's worth doing is worth doing until you stroke out. I was organizing my pantry when I saw it: a Hershey bar. It was a forgotten leftover from when Chauncey and I went on a "S'mores for dinner" jag. [Note: He only ate the graham crackers - chocolate is toxic to dogs.]

210 calories, 8 grams of fat. Not a binge by any means. I'm not even a chocoholic. I can quit any time I want. Lots of people eat more chocolate than I do. Delicious.

And so it went. I ate my way through the entire pantry aligning process. Pop Tarts. They are deliberately packaged for desperate consumption. I gingerly tore open the shiny foil and inhaled their cinnamon-y goodness. Two were down before I realized it.

Well, okay - all is not lost. If I eat two more that can just be dinner and we'll call it a day. Chauncey looked at me with his big brown eyes - knowing full well where this was headed and that there would eventually be cheese and/or peanut butter that I would share with him like hush money to Tony Soprano.

Now who wants a messy box of Pop Tarts - two-thirds empty - cluttering up the neatly arranged and mostly alphabetized shelves of their pantry? I ate the last two to tidy up really.

Enter self-loathing. Not only have I just eaten the [possibly] most noxious food stuff available, I have let down the children. Visions of bigger jeans and the winsome, neglected faces of little kids going without needed services haunted me like the ghost of binges past.

All of this, of course, comes on the eve of a required trip to Washington, DC, with the Allen County Juvenile Court. I know they no longer serve peanuts on planes, but there are gastronomic wonders to be had in the nation's capital.

Focus focus focus. Think of the children. Think of the public humiliation. Think of a toaster pastry induced coronary.

I may need help.

Brothers and Blessings

It was a long week. I had Monday off and took vacation on Tuesday. While I got a lot accomplished, I am kinda tired. But not too tired to tell you about Andrew.

Andrew Atkins, another member of the Lima Losers, is my hero. I feel like this is one of those fifth grade essays where you are assigned to write about someone you admire and after you've thought your way through Superman, Michael Jordan, and Mother Teresa, you settle on someone in your family. If you find those things cloying, stop reading.

This is my favorite picture of Andrew. He is holding his son Caleb who is now already four. I love it though, because it shows Andrew as the big, loving bear that he is. It's actually Reverend Andrew. He and his wife Jenny pastor a small country church outside of Spencerville - the Monticello United Brethren Church. It is the quintessential country church, perfect for Andrew. He loves to hunt and preach and shoot the --well---breeze with people. He is a stand up guy who is mature way beyond his age.

Speaking of age, he is my YOUNGER brother. When we're together, people will often ask who is the older. I say nothing and try to let them draw their own conclusions. Drew, however, is quick to point out that I am actually 15 YEARS older than he - and then salts the aging wound by informing them that I started college and he started preschool on the same day. Tender. Oh so tender.

The age difference meant that I didn't really get to grow up with Andrew. I was out of the house with no possibility of meaningful return, since my sister took my room 11 seconds after I hit the freshman dorm. But that doesn't mean I don't have good stories about him.

Andrew is about the funniest person I know. He can crack a room up as surely as he can conjure homiletical images of fire and brimstone. I have lots of embarrassing anecdotes about pet rabbits and his squabbles with my sister Beth, but I will spare you (unless you donate $19.95 before midnight).

The most important thing about Andrew, however, is that he loves to eat. I got a text message from him today at 4:30 - "weigh in after Chipotle not good idea". It seems that he was carousing in Fort Wayne and found his way to his favorite Mexican haunt and of course got extra sour cream with his nine pound beefy burrito. His first love overcame his altruism. Eh, that's okay.

To understand just how much he loves to eat, you must journey the way of the Dog-N-Burger. Andrew went to college at Moody Bible Institute in Chicago. Not only were the wonders of being at college, learning new ideas, and living in a dorm available to him, but the world of the Windy City was his oyster. Moody sits right off the Magnificent Mile - a stretch of Michigan Avenue that pulses with museums and shopping and urban energy.

And none of it meant anything to him. At all. Not academia, not the Art Institute, not the throngs of people who rushed past the Sears Tower or John Hancock building. All of these paled in comparison to the Dog-N-Burger.

It seems that near the campus was some hole-in-the-wall diner/burger joint/petri dish that was just the kind of place he loves to frequent. And this culinary Eden sired the Dog-N-Burger. The Dog-N-Burger was, in his esteem, the most glorious of all creations - perhaps the eighth wonder of the world.

It was a hotdog INSIDE of a hamburger smothered in cheese sauce and sauerkraut and eight or nine other condiments, certainly including e-coli. And it was his favorite thing. Ever.

When he came home for Fall break, we all crowded around the kitchen table asking him the usual things about college - do you like your roommate? Is the campus safe? How are you doing in your classes?

Phhhhhht.

What we got was a rapturous, misty-eyed description of the Dog-N-Burger. He declared it inspired and went on and on an on, describing in detail each artery-clamping morsel until he became so moved he had to take a momentary time out to compose himself.

More than a decade later, he still glazes over when the Dog-N-Burger is mentioned. The guy loves his grub. That's why it is so meaningful to have him as a Lima Loser - he is sacrificing his emotional firstborn on the altar of community service.

But he does that all the time - for his family, for his church, for his community, for people he helps as an EMT, and for people he's never met on his many mission trips. And he did it for me - without hesitation - when I called to recruit him for the Big Give. He's used to such calls - I impose on him all the time for help. Like the time the guy who reads the gas meter heard something scrawling in my ductwork and left a sign that said, "CAUTION LIVE ANIMAL INSIDE" taped to my furnace. Call Andrew 911 and he came and trapped something (I didn't ask).

It is a blessing to have Andrew for a brother and to have him as part of the Lima Loser team. If you haven't met him - take the time to do so. You won't regret it.

And don't forget to ask him about the Dog-N-Burger.

A Second Loser

Thank God for Judy Ringwald. It was the final hour. An original team member of the Lima Losers dropped out at 3:30 p.m. We had to have our team by 5:00. Things have never looked so bleak. I was crushed by the weight (ha!) of the responsibilities of leadership. Now I know how Condoleezza Rice must have felt when waterboarding came up at a cocktail party. It was almost too much.

And then, Judy reached out and straightened my heavy crown which had gone all whiggledy-jiggledy from the tension.

Who is this woman, this random Samaritan who provided life-saving succor to the Lima Losers? Why would a total stranger risk her own reputation to be associated with three known neanderthals?

Quite simply, I don't know. I'm just grateful that she did. She saved the Lima Losers.

Judy is actually from Spencerville. She has two sons ages 9 and 11 and is active with them in sports, coaching their teams and doing all kinds of outdoorsy things with them.

When she's not being a committed tomboy, Judy is a Nuclear Medical Technologist (NOTE TO SELF: may come in handy if we need to radiate the competition to win this thing), and is a Sales Director for Mary Kay. Judy has even offered to make up the losers from other teams - who knows a nice smoky blue eyeshadow might look good on those boys from Maverick Media. It will cover up their puffy redness from crying when we beat them.

Check out Judy's web site! MAKEOVERS FOR LOSERS

Like many of us, her favorite binge food is pizza and she considers chocolate its own food group.

Her weight loss goal?

TO GET OUT OF CONTROL TOP PANTYHOSE!

Weigh In!

Today was weigh in for everyone in the Big Give. Even though I have been pretty diligent this week, it is still a little intimidating.

I am happy to report that I lost 4.9 lbs this week. Add that to the 7 lbs I lost last week and that's almost 12 pounds!

Andrew lost 4.7 and I have yet to hear from Berlin and Judy. We will update you when those numbers come in.

I wish we were doing as well on donations, we've got $50 so far. Next week is time to start really harassing my fellow council members to get them PLEDGING!

Trapped in a Nightmare

Last night I had a horrible nightmare. It's one that plagues me over and over, especially after I have eaten at Las Palmas and chowed down enough tortilla chips and salsa to fuel me for days, let alone the enchiladas that followed.

The dream always starts the same way: I am just relaxing in bed, watching a little TV, my hand stuffed into a bag of Pepperidge Farm Mint Milanos. Suddenly, Richard Simmons appears as an apparition at the foot the bed. Now, any dream with Richard Simmons is automatically punted into nightmareville by some demon sandman's special team, but this one gets worse.

He is wearing glitter spandex and shrieking, "WE LOVE YOU BUT WE CAN'T WATCH YOU KILL YOURSELF!" Immediately, a team of firefighters wielding chainsaws start carving up my house, enlarging the doorways to haul me out - mattress attached. The intervention goes down hill from there as I am pulled and pummeled from my boudoir, hammy fingers still clutching those delectable sandwich cookies.

Whew. It was just a dream.

Not really having the resources or inclination to contact a Freudian analyst or some oracular shaman for interpretation, here's what I think the dream means: INSIDE OF EVERY FAT PERSON IS A FATTER PERSON TRYING TO GET OUT.

That can be the only possible explanation for my lifelong commitment to yo-yo dieting. Blubber, it seems, will simply not be denied. Lose the weight, and your chubby doppelganger will haunt you until you die of diabetes with an eclair in each hand.

This is hard stuff. I am always mystified by people who think nothing of commenting on people's weight and saying things that are rude and hurtful. They talk about willpower, and just eating until you feel a little full, and how that when THEY get upset they can't eat (BLOGGER'S WARNING: NEVER trust anyone who says they can't eat when they are upset).

Life is not easy for people who struggle with their weight. Imagine walking into a waiting room or a professional meeting and having to scan the room to make sure there is a chair that will fit you. Or always being embarrassed when people start talking about health concerns related to weight or make comments about someone else's size.

My personal favorite is the FAT TAX. This is the most heinous of all discriminations. Here's how it works. Walk into Walmart and buy a sweatshirt. Note the prices? Sweatshirts - $8....Big Sizes, $2 MORE. The two bucks is the fat tax.

I won't belabor this, but stereotypes about people of size are some of the last socially acceptable biases. Fat people are lazy, less competent, unappealing in your business, lack discipline, and they don't even mind when you make a joke about their weight! I got news for you, I have lost more pounds and asserted more discipline over food than any ten people.

As terrifying as a late night hallucination of Richard Simmons may be, obesity is the real nightmare. Contests are fun, and this one is certainly for a great cause. But let's not forget that there are almost 100 people who have agreed to be part of the Big Give, putting themselves on the line, drawing attention to some of their most sensitive and personal spaces. Cheer them on!

Soup for a Snow Day

Who doesn't love a snow day? As a kid I remember huddling around the Philco radio, an ear pressed to the speaker like a an underground dissident straining to hear Radio Free Europe. When I worked in school counseling, I found out that adults are actually want snow days more than the kids.

Having an unexpected day at home was a luxury. I didn't sleep in but hit the ground running at 6:30 a.m. I had lots I wanted to accomplish and got a good chunk of it done.

Unfortunately, snow days are perfect for cooking, and therefore eating. I love to cook. I love everything about food - buying it, trying new recipes, organizing it in my cupboards, cooking it, and of course, consuming! People who have been to my house know that I keep a VERY well stocked pantry. Most of the time I have two months worth of food on hand.

And on a snow day, that means DANGER. Usually when snowed in, I want a rich soup, a cheesy comforting casserole, and something decadent for dessert - usually cookies or a cake or something amazing. So today was a particular challenge for weight loss. I wanted to fill the house with the delicious aroma of homemade cinnamon rolls or blackberry cobbler.

But that would have been bad. Very, very bad.

So I decided to pull out a great recipe that was Thin and Healthy compliant. On Phase One, there are limited choices - proteins, some fruits, lots of fresh vegetables - all good stuff to be sure but not exactly a sticky bun. One protein choice is lentils. I love them - they are on my top 10 list of favorite foods, about 9 notches down from my Mother's chicken paprikash.

A very easy recipe, this soup is wonderful and is even better the next day - so I've got lunch tomorrow in the brown bag. The recipe is from a Williams-Sonoma cookbook and is one of those things that you can make quickly with ingredients that are usually on hand. Enjoy!

WILLIAMS-SONOMA LENTIL SOUP

1 tablespoon olive oil (I use non-stick spray)

1 large onion, diced

1 to 2 carrots peeled and diced

1 to 2 teaspoons ground cumin

2 cups of dried lentils

6 to 7 cups water or chicken stock (use a low sodium brand)

Salt and pepper

Sauté onion in oil until clear and slightly caramelized – about 8 minutes.

Add cumin, carrots, lentils, and stock and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat and simmer until lentils are tender about 20-30 minutes.

The recipe also calls for adding chopped fresh spinach at the end of cooking if desired. It is also great (and very healthy) with chopped kale.

The Cast of Characters

Now it's time to introduce the team: Phil Atkins, Andrew Atkins, Berlin Carroll, and Judy Ringwald. I will interview my other cast mates when the snow clears!

In the mean time, here's a little bit about me. I tend to be a bit reserved so this may be difficult.

The picture is of me and Chauncey. He is my best bud and is already complaining that our late night PB&J have been suspended. He loves bread and gets the crusts - let's just call it a family ritual. I don't know if it says something about my arrested development that I still need a 2:00 a.m. feeding, but that's usually when we break out the Jif and jam.

In a world of amateur dieters, I am a weight loss professional. Here is a (partial) list of diets I have used:

Calorie counting (zzzz)
Weight Watchers (more than 10 times)
Nutra System
Jenny Craig
Physician's Weight Loss
Fen Phen (an amazing drug - I still fantasize about a late night crossing of the Mexican border to buy it. I think the press about it blowing people's aortas was exaggerated.)
Neuropsychology of Weight Control (actually a pretty good one)
South Beach
Tic Tacs and Diet Coke (lots of energy and minty fresh breath)
Duke University Rice Diet
Grapefruit diet
Optifast
Personal training
Eating three Subway subs a day
Beverly Hills diet
Of course, the Atkins diet
Fit for Life
Lacto Vegetarianism
Low fat, high fat, buffalo fat
High Glycemic, Low Glycemic, Moderate Glycemic
Total Solutions
Yadda yadda yadda - there are probably several hundred more

In the process, I have become pretty well informed about nutrition. I read the labels and monitor them carefully - they just rarely make any difference to me. I have been known to convince myself that I need to eat M&Ms because I need the zinc. I can talk myself into anything. And here's the thing about all of those diets: THEY WORK. They all work. I lost weight on every one of them - and then gained it back in about a millisecond.

I am counting on this round to be the one - I don't want to lithe and sinewy, I just want to be able to button my jeans without lying down. As you age, your expectations become more realistic and lower to the path of least waistline resistance.

People who know me know that I am a sucker for a cause, and in this case, the cause is kids and families. We need this money like Chauncey needs his Wonder bread. We looked at the FCFC budget yesterday and we are out of money by summer. If you could hear the stories of these kids and their families, you would know immediately that this is one place we cannot afford to starve.

I wish I could do one of those haunting Save the Children commercials with the kids from our Intersystems committee or the beautiful babies from Help Me Grow. Since that is out of our budget, you'll just have to trust me that this money is used judiciously and for saving children right here at home.

MAN DOWN!

Well, our team took a major hit today - Danny Holbrook from Lima City Schools is not able to be the fourth leg of our team. As a school social worker, he is often called upon to fill in a little bit of everywhere so he was not able to get in to be weighed in because he was needed to be in charge of the building. Too bad - Danny is a wonderful guy and hilarious!

Fortunately, our team was saved by a woman who wanted to participate but did not have a team. I have not met her but she saved the day! She has also already lost five pounds so she is my new best friend. We will introduce the entire team in future posts.

I presented the Big Give to the full group of the Family and Children First Council today. People were very supportive and promised to throw the full weight of their organizations behind our fundraising efforts. Throughout the meeting there was example after example of the great things that are happening for kids through the council and the member organizations. There were 44 people at the meeting today - all committed to helping families thrive.

Our friends from an unnamed local TV station were at the meeting and while I offered (nine times) to be on the news to promote Lima Losers, I was politely refused. Now, I'm sure that it was because of the pending snow storm taking up so much air time and has NOTHING to do with the fact that they have a team competing! Not being one to talk trash, I won't lay any smack down or anything [NOTE TO UNNAMED LOCAL TV STATION: IT IS ON!]

But I kid the media!

Special thanks to our new teammate and to Adah from Total Solutions for thinking on her feet to keep us in the game!

We have already received a donation (thanks mom) and I'm sure it is only a matter of time before we are crashing servers all over North America as we try to keep up with the online pledging.

A Word About Lima Losers

Just in case anyone bristles at our team name, let me take a moment to explain. Obviously, the moniker refers to our team losing weight. Simple, straightforward, not even very original. Unfortunately, the not very original part is the problem.

About a year and a half ago, there was a buzzing rumor - "Did you hear they are making a TV show about Lima Senior?" Now, given the size, diversity, and yes, the sometimes tough nature of LSHS, there were a lot of possibilities. What would it be about? Is it a reality show? Will they be filming here?

My mind raced. I'll bet they're going to film on location! I could picture throngs of LA types descending on us, blocking Spartan Way with trailers and boom dollies and megaphones snapping "QUIET ON THE SET!" Could this bring the renaissance that Lima has needed? The excitement was too much to bear.

The result of the rumor was the show "Glee". If you haven't seen it, it is wonderful - witty and fun with great music and a little melodrama. However, while it IS set in Lima, there is very little about Bean Town in the show.

Except the term "Lima Loser". Great. Just what we need to bolster our collective low self-esteem. The term has become well known. I posted a link to this blog on my Facebook page and immediately got comments about Lima Losers and how people love the show Glee - from people who live far, far away. The know us as duds.

As a lifelong resident of Findlay, when I came to work in Lima people were dumbfounded. They immediately thought I would be capped in a driveby or have my ankles slashed by a gang member hiding under my car at the Lima Mall (no joke!) When I moved here in 2008, the jaws dropped even further.

But I'll let you in on a dirty little secret: I love Lima.

I love Lima because of the people I have met and have the privilege of working with as colleagues. I love Lima because I have made wonderful friends here who are the real thing. And I love Lima because people roll up their sleeves and aren't afraid to get dirty to help people. There's not a lot of room for theory here - the needs are too pressing.

Now, love is not blind. There are lots of challenges here. But there is also a fundamental honesty that makes my job - and the jobs of my colleagues on the Family and Children First Council - a little easier. There is no veneer of denial. We know that there are problems, but we also quietly know that we've got the right stuff to fix them.

So like many oppressed peoples, we reclaim terms for us that were meant to be pejorative. We ARE the Lima Losers, but not because we are down-and-out. We are Lima Losers because we intend to lose the most weight, raise the most money, and plow that cash right back where it is needed for our kids.

Rock on, Lima Losers!

A Matter of Heart

I almost had a heart attack shoveling snow this morning.

Well, actually I was bending over to put on my boots and there was simply too much girth to make that enjoyable. After lacing them up, I took a nap - power loading energy to go out and shovel the sidewalks. Shortness of breath is a gentle reminder that: a) someone has a pillow over your face, or b) maybe the midriff needs some attention.

Shoveling the snow wasn't all that bad. It was the nice heavy kind though - the type where you look out the window and see your elderly neighbor pitched head first into a drift and then call 911. I turned 45 last month - not elderly by any means, but definitely old enough to be concerned about ventricles and blockages and permanent disability.

As I puffed my way down the driveway, my dog Chauncey (you'll hear a lot about him!) watched from the window - toasty and snug behind the plate glass. I knew what he was thinking (we have a sort of telepathy): "I'd be glad to help you dad BUT I DON'T HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS!"

The Big Giver challenge came along right at the perfect time. I needed motivation to get healthy and the Family and Children First Council needs money. My losing weight and keeping services funded are both a struggle. It's easy to forget that the extra cookies add up, and it's easy to forget that we need to support FCFC's vital services.

Well, clearly I survived the snow shoveling. It actually felt good to get out and work a little. Now, however, I am going to grab another cup of coffee and spoon with Chauncey by the fireplace.

Welcome to our humiliation!

I have to confess that I have been a member of Total Solutions since last year.

I like them.
I like their facility.
I like being thinner.

But apparently not enough to stick with it. So when I ran into Adah Ellerbrock from Total Solutions right after Christmas ( I was digging through the half-price candy cart at Meijer) I tried to be invisible (hard when you're the size of a Buick) and only half-listened as she explained the Big Giver Challenge.

"That sounds great," I stammered, keeping one eye on a slightly dented tin of butter cookies. "I'll see if I can find some people and call you." I kinda knew it was doomed cause as I smiled and slurked away.

So when Adah tried to run me down with her minivan on Tuesday in the Speedway parking lot, I knew I'd been had. "YOU NEED TO DO THIS! IT WILL BE FUN!" Fun? NOW she had my attention because usually I'm pretty stoic and a little levity might be just the thing I need to come out of my shell. And then it clicked - we could do this for the Allen Co. Family and Children First Council!

Hmmm....

And so I kicked it in. Dozens of HIGH PRIORITY emails flew from my Outlook, their red exclamation points pulsing with possibility in the recipients' mailboxes. I immediately enlisted my teammates: Berlin Carroll from the Allen Co. Juvenile Detention Center, Danny Holbrook from Lima City Schools, and my personal hero - my brother Andrew who is a pastor in Monticell0 - just outside Spencerville. To their credit - they didn't hesitate.

And we're in it TO WIN IT.

You may ask why would we be willing to humiliate ourselves, drawing attention to guts that we work hard to suck in and belt sizes that even we gasp about in private. The answer is simple really - this work is way more important than our tender feelings. The Family and Children First Council and the membership do amazing things for kids every single day. People outside of the social services or education systems have no idea how hard people work to make sure that children and families have what they need to thrive. And of course, for Mary.

Mary Early is the unsung heroine of children in our community. As the Family and Children First Coordinator, she comes to work every day with the idea that kids and families are our most precious resource. Where others give lip service to "family values", Mary IS family values. She has the kind of presence that softens a room, making people want to work together and do the right thing.

This blog is our connection with you - the people we need to support us. We'll do the heavy lifting (I call it "getting out of the recliner") and you do the easy part: support the council with a few bucks. We'll keep you posted about how we're doing, gently remind you to be generous, and (hopefully) there will less of us at the end of March!